He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
