I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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