my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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