Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
