chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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