You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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