I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
