The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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