you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
