and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
