I need to stop coming to work sober
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jรคger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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