Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
