It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
