remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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