I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
