Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
