i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
