I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My dick has a subreddit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
