My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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