anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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