Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
