My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
