I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
