I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
