Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
