my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
