I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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