I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
