my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
