i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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