so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize