Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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