We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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