there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
