he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
