I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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