who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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