I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
