Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
