Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
