she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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