Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
