I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
