I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
