I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
