By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didn't notice because vodka
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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