Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
