i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
