my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
