Duck Duck Cougar?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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