Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
