What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
