God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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