And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
