my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
