I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can't motorboat a personality
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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