He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize