My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize